Our guest for this episode is Dennis Erokan, father of the actor D’Arcy Carden, best known for her Emmy Nominated role as Janet on the smash-hit television series, The Good Place – one of my favorite sitcoms.
In addition to The Good Place, D’Arcy has appeared in many other TV shows and movies, including: Broad City, Bonding, Other People, and the HBO series Barry. She will also be co-starring in the upcoming comedy series “A League of Their Own” which is based on the 1992 classic film of the same name and will be available on Amazon.
D’Arcy and her three siblings – Miranda, Laney, and Will – are fortunate to have Dennis as their father. Dennis is an incredible guy. He was the founder of several magazines, including the Bay Area Music magazine, also known as BAM; and he is a dedicated family man and father.
In this episode, Dennis and I cover a lot of ground, including: how to instill confidence in your children, how to talk to them when they fall short of reaching their goals, considerations for raising children who are interested in acting, and the importance of stretching the spaghetti.
If you like the episode, please take a moment to provide a rating and a review! It truly helps the podcast. Here’s how to rate & review a podcast on Apple Podcasts: https://youtu.be/RWtAQ025zl4
Enjoy!
D’Arcy on Social
Instagram: @darcycarden
Twitter: @DarcyCarden
Facebook: @DArcyCarden
Please forgive the errors in the transcript! Enjoy the episode!
Jonathan V.:
So, Dennis, thank you very much for finding time to speak with me today. I am really excited to have this opportunity to talk with you briefly. I’m wondering what it’s been like for you seeing D’Arcy she’s had many appearances in shows and film, but the Good Place was this mega hit. What was that like for you as a father to see your daughter in this show?
Dennis Erokan:
Well, as a father and actually part of the entire Erokan family, we are all so proud of each other. Every one of us in our family, the kids, everybody, you know, have done wonderful things. So yes, it’s wonderful to see D’Arcy on those shows. The Good Place is an absolute delight, but you know, it’s just part of life. It’s just a wonderful part of life.
Jonathan V.:
You have four kids if I understand, correct. Laney, D’Arcy, Will and Miranda, is that right?
Dennis Erokan:
That’s the four.
Jonathan V.:
So, what was the household like when the kids were young? Where were you? I believe in the Bay area? Is that right?
Dennis Erokan:
Yeah, we were in the Bay area. We’ve always been in the Bay area, at least my wife and I, and when we were a family, we were in the Bay area and it was, you know, just for me a delightful experience, there was always something to do. There was always, you know, something to get involved in with the kids, whether it’s homework or whether it’s, you know, something outside of school or you know, questions that they’d have. And it was just, it was just a fascinating and wonderful experience.
Jonathan V.:
Yeah. What kind of parenting philosophies did you have growing up? Did you have particular parenting philosophies or just a general approach that you took to fatherhood?
Dennis Erokan:
Well, to me, the parents are the mother and the father and we each have a role and, and, you know, I would remember how my dad was with me, which was you know, he kind of looked into the future. He was very friendly, but at the same time, he, you know, was very clear about the fact that he wanted his sons and daughter to you know, to do things the right way. And that was an important part of it was doing things the right way. So I tried in my, you know, experience as a father to be the same kind of dad, which was somebody who was at the same time, not only looking at them right now, but looking at them in the future and making sure that they get there because that’s really one of the most important things is the transition from kid to grown up and, you know, through the teenage years, etcetera. So all those things are really important to me. And again, being a role model as a good guy to me was also really important.
Jonathan V.:
So, you mentioned that it was important for your father and for you to raise your kids, doing things the right way. What does that mean to you?
Dennis Erokan:
That means making sure that they understand that you don’t cheat, you don’t lie, you don’t fake it, you do things and you do them, right. And you make that you have, you know, a clear plan as to what you’re trying to do. And the important thing is integrity inside of them is the real person and the real person is there to be seen.
Jonathan V.:
And is there a way that you instill that in them or how do you teach them? How do you teach your kids integrity?
Dennis Erokan:
The most important thing is by example, you know, with a parent, you can yell at them if you want to, you can jump up and down. But the fact of the matter is it’s the example. It’s teaching them through them seeing how you do things. And part of it is how you do things with them.
Jonathan V.:
And what kind of things did you do with your kids?
Dennis Erokan:
Well, everything from, you know, talk to them, you know, from five years old and up, when they talked about school, giving them ideas for you know, things to do during the weekend, you know, what were they intending to do with this particular situation that they were in? And what was the point of it? You know, that sort of thing, just kind of now, and into the future, with a clear idea of the past, put all those three things together,
Jonathan V.:
Would you all do family activities and things like that together?
Dennis Erokan:
All the time, all the time, including going to church, being part of you know, their sports in terms of being there for them, art, music, those are really important things. And to us, as a family, those were important. So I wanted to make sure that they felt comfortable with art, with music, with expressing themselves.
Jonathan V.:
So how did you get them involved with art and music?
Dennis Erokan:
By encouraging them, and then not forcing them? Cause again, that’s, to me, that’s the important thing is encouraging, but not forcing. And the lovely thing was that each of them had some interest in that individually. So, you know, it was there.
Jonathan V.:
So, I have blown it on more than one occasion with that, that balance of encouraging, not pushing.
Dennis Erokan:
Well, how did you blow it?
Jonathan V.:
I err too much on the push side. Any advice?
Dennis Erokan:
Just the only advice I can give is pushing doesn’t get the job done, pushing gets the one thing done, but it doesn’t get the big thing done. Offering is where you are, where you offer your health, where you offer your advice, but you don’t push it. And that lets them grow. Because again, the most important thing, at least in my wife and my mind with our kids was that they grew. That they grew up, they grew out into the world. And so the point was not to force them to do anything, but to just show them where they could go, if they wanted to.
Jonathan V.:
Did you purposefully expose your kids to a variety of different things to help them?
Dennis Erokan:
Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah, it was part of our lives also, you know, we were putting out music magazines and we were putting on a big music event each year. So they got to see and experience some pretty fabulous things. But the same time, not forced, if they didn’t want to go, they didn’t have to, but they tended to want to
Jonathan V.:
Talk about that a little bit for the people that are not aware of your background. So you were the founder of a band magazine?
Dennis Erokan:
I’m the founder of Bam Magazine, which was the, by the way, the first free magazine, I invented the concept because I didn’t have any money to start a magazine. So I thought if I gave it away for free, that it would cost less than it did.
Jonathan V.:
Change the publishing industry.
Dennis Erokan:
Yeah, changed the publishing industry. Exactly. But the important thing was that I wanted to make sure that it was about local musicians because there was already in the San Francisco Bay area, something that had started years earlier called Rolling Stone, which was talking about the biggest musicians in the world. And I wanted to emphasize the great musicians all around us. Some of them became huge. Some of them just were there, but they were wonderful. And that was the important thing with Band. You know, I was very aware, of course, as we all are, you know, the Oscars and the Grammys, etcetera. And I thought it would be really wonderful to give awards away to the local musicians in the Bay area. We’re just trying really hard. So I went to my mentor, Bill Graham, the concert promoter asked him if he would help me. And one of the questions I asked him was, you know, what do you think about putting on a bakery, music awards? And his answer was two things. One is I hate award shows and I’ll never come well. He came to everyone while he was alive, but still he said, I hate award shows and never come, but number two, this is really a good idea. And you can’t afford to put on the first show. So I’m going to put the first show on for you. I’ll pay for it, you put it on. And then if it’s a success, you pay me back. It’s not a success. We don’t do it again. Well, we did it for 23 years.
Jonathan V.:
Wow. That’s terrific.
Dennis Erokan:
It was fantastic. And so the kids got the, you know, they got to come to the BAMMIES, the Bammy musical, or it’s got to sit in the audience and got to meet, you know, all these fabulous, famous musicians and ask them questions and hang out with them and hang out with you know, in the nicest way possible, by the way, you know, cause it was just a really friendly normal event and everyone was treated well, but there were 2000 people in the audience.
Jonathan V.:
Wow. And you yourself are a musician as well as I understand a member of the legendary band, Green Catherine.
Dennis Erokan:
Oh, bless your heart. Yes. I was the bass player. My brother was the lead guitarist. Then we played for many years and played, you know, throughout California and the East coast, New York, etcetera, just had a fantastic time. It was a wonderful experience. After a while when I turned 23, I realized, you know what, I got to get a real job. And that’s when I started working then eventually with the Bam.
Jonathan V.:
So, your wife is helping with Bam as well, or?
Dennis Erokan:
Yeah, Laurie was, you know, integral part of bam. She was copy editor and worked with all the, all the writers came up with ideas, for stories. It was a wonderful experience to be there with my wife, putting this magazine together every two weeks and putting it out there.
Jonathan V.:
Oh, it sounds it. So, I would imagine leading a magazine, especially one like Bam that’s growing is got to be a big job and then producing the BAMMIES has got to also be a big job with a lot of planning far in advance. How, how did you balance that with also being a father?
Dennis Erokan:
Okay. That’s really one of the fascinating things that, to me, I didn’t realize until a few years later, what I was actually doing, which was to me, the most important thing in my life was my family, which really made some of the people working for me at Bam you know, a little nervous because they would think, wait a second. You know, he goes home at a normal time because his kids need him at home. And you know, how’s that possible. And what I realized was that I had to make the people who work for me, part of my family. So I had the vision, but they did the job and they did, they did what it took to get it done. And there was an incredible experience. So that meant that I got to go home every day at six 37 o’clock and be with my kids, weekends with my kids, except when we were putting on some major event. But even then I would take my kids with me to the event and we would put it on and there’d be these fabulous musicians on a stage. My kids would be running around with me, making things happen and my staff would be there. And so that was my life.
Jonathan V.:
How about marriage? So is that something that you had to work out to find time to invest time in? Is that something that because of the working relationship that you had, you always had time for each other?
Dennis Erokan:
Yes. Yes. That was a really important thing was Laurie and I would have lunch together, no matter what we were there together, getting the stuff done, but being there for each other.
Jonathan V.:
So, your children appear to have, from what I can tell from an outside view, they appear to have very strong relationships with each other as well as is that something that you somehow cultivated? Do you, how do you explain that and how do we do that for our own kids?
Dennis Erokan:
The most important thing is that they’re good people. And so they gravitated toward each other, but I try to make sure that they each felt very comfortable with each other because one of the toughest things, and I knew this about being a parent, is that you don’t want your eldest kid to think that they’re the King or queen and everybody else has beneath them or that, you know, the second one down tends to be the one that everybody forgets about. So I try to make sure that not only was I giving spit, you know, the significant specific time to each kid, but also making sure that they, they did things together. Like one of the things my wife was reminding me was that with our son Will, you know, he wanted to, he wanted to go see music just like his older siblings had done. But some of the music that he liked was not my favorite kinds of bands, but the wonderful thing was they wanted me there. The bands wanted me there, so I would take Will. And, you know, let him walk up to the front of the stage so he could watch the band and I’d sit in the back and just kind of be there. But at least, you know, we were there together and that was the important thing.
Jonathan V.:
That’s nice.
Dennis Erokan:
And I didn’t criticize his music ever. And you know what, that’s something that I I’m so glad that I stuck to, which was that I didn’t criticize anything that those kids were doing. Just to show them that I was the boss or that my taste was better than them. No, I was encouraging. And I wanted them to know that I appreciated their good ideas and wanted them to, you know, to act in that manner.
Jonathan V.:
That’s a really important lesson. I think it can be easy for a father as just as a guy to maybe take for lack of a better word, a cheap shot, a criticism. You know, we do that with our friends at work sometimes just joking around, but I think to a child, it can be interpreted very differently
Dennis Erokan:
And you know what, that’s a wonderful way to say it when you’re at work and, you’re doing something like that. It can be experienced as a joke and that’s okay. But with kids, they take it personally. So you don’t want to criticize them or say something, that disparages them when they can just live with it for the rest of their lives. So instead, I was always as positive as possible now, and that doesn’t mean being positive about some horrible thing they did, but luckily enough, my kids didn’t do anything that was horrible, but I, you know, I would of course have stopped that.
Jonathan V.:
Did you have any specific, bigger challenges as a father, other difficult times that you were helping your kids navigate through, or just as a father for yourself, it was a challenge for you?
Dennis Erokan:
You know, the toughest thing for any parent is when your kid becomes a teenager. And so that was for me the toughest time, but I, you know, hung in there. I put my arms together and just didn’t react and just you know, help them through it.
Jonathan V.:
I don’t have girls. I would imagine that that may be even more challenging.
Dennis Erokan:
It is more challenging for a dad you’re right. And social media makes it even more bizarre. There were things like social media back then, and we just made sure that the kids knew that whatever you put out there and there were chat rooms back then. And you know, we were kind of, you know, slightly miserable experience or not experienced, but slightly miserable about the concept, but we made sure that they knew that if they said something stupid, it was going to be there forever.
Jonathan V.:
That’s great advice. D’Arcy has spoken very, very highly of the confidence that you’ve instilled in, not just herself, but in all four of your children. Can you explain how you may have gone about doing that?
Dennis Erokan:
Well, the most important thing about instilling confidence in your children to be positive, but not overly positive, in other words, not fake. So to be positive, but also not to take, you know, pot shots at kids for something that you think, you know, they’ll remember because you’re hitting them hard. No confidence is being truthful, but at the same time positive. And that was something that with all four of my kids was really important to me, was to be as positive and clear about my positivity as possible. And that meant that, you know, when they were doing something right, tell them they’re doing it right, when they get it done, congratulate them on getting it done.
Jonathan V.:
And how about when they fall short, when they have some sort of failure academically or athletically or acting any sort of pursuit when your child feels particularly down, because it was kind of a big deal to them, at least in that point in time.
Dennis Erokan:
Right. Well, that happens to everybody. And what you can’t do is spend too much time on it. You make sure that they get to talk about it, let them know that it’s not going to be forever, that this is going to go away. And that you’ve got another opportunity right there in front of you. You’re telling your kid whatever, you know, you’ve got the next possibility is right there. So don’t be afraid to do it because it’s right there for you. And I do that with, with, I used to do that with my employees also was, you know, if you made a mistake, that’s okay. Or if you said something about a band that they eventually say, no, that didn’t happen. That’s okay. If you just apologize and then go on, don’t sit there and either react to it or feel bad about it. Just go on.
Jonathan V.:
I believe wholeheartedly in that. How would you explain why this is important?
Dennis Erokan:
We each have our lives to live. And what you don’t want to do is you don’t want to sit there and stew, you want to grow, you want to achieve, you want to get things done. And so those are the important things. And that’s what you want to, you know, get your kids thinking too, is grow, achieve, get things done, onward, upward.
Jonathan V.:
You mentioned teenage years were difficult. Did you have any dating rules?
Dennis Erokan:
Dating rules were just pretty much, you know, don’t do anything that’s going to get you in trouble. We kept it to that. It wasn’t, you know, real specific do this, do that in the first date, etcetera. It was, it was just, don’t do anything that’s going to, you know, that’s going to embarrass you or, or get you in trouble, just be a good person and make sure that the person you’re with is a good person, because if they aren’t stop seeing them. We always wanted to make sure that they knew that we were welcoming to all their friends, that we would, we would invite them to dinner. We’d always start to spaghetti, but we were always, you know, we want it to be as friendly and nurturing as possible and just let them come by. But of course, keep an eye on him and keep a very clear eye on them.
Jonathan V.:
Yeah. Yeah. Did that result in your house being a bit of a destination as well for kids to come to?
Dennis Erokan:
You know, I think our house was a destination in a way because we had, you know, even, you know, decades later, we would hear, you will hear stories about how, you know, coming to dinner a few times with us really gave them an idea of, you know, what they were going to do with their lives, etcetera. And it’s just a wonderful thing to hear.
Jonathan V.:
That’s nice. That’s nice. And I would imagine that it’s just that much more relaxing, I guess, for lack of a better word, to know that well, to have your kids and their friends at your house.
Dennis Erokan:
Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. It’s better to have the kids at our house, because then we can watch them and again, be, you know, supportive, but definitely watch them.
Jonathan V.:
Yeah. It’s a big advantage to stretching the spaghetti. I like that.
Dennis Erokan:
Exactly. Right. Thank you for that. The big advantage of stretching the spaghetti is exactly right.
Jonathan V.:
Were there any money lessons that you gave to your kids as they were growing up to? Do you talk to them about money?
Dennis Erokan:
Yeah. We talked about money. We definitely try to make sure that they understood reality that the right thing to do with money, not to be a spendthrift, etcetera. And then we made sure that they made their own money, that w you know, we were encouraging them to get some kind of job early on, just so that they could experience it and they each did. And that was wonderful to see that happen and to see them grow through that as well.
Jonathan V.:
Do you recall some of the types of jobs they had?
Dennis Erokan:
Our son Will, he worked for his uncle who was a was a sculptor. He had to be there at 7:30 in the morning, and he worked till five in the afternoon. He come home exhausted, but again, he got paid and he learned the importance of doing a job correctly. And again, it was a wonderful experience because it was artistic also because there wasn’t a Foundry, even though he was pouring metal, sometimes, you know, the result was wonderful. And of course, babysitting, you know, each, each of the kids, we encourage them to babysit all four of them and they did. And we made sure that they understood how we took care of them. They should take care of the kids, even if it’s for just an afternoon or an evening. And also one of the things that we did was we made sure that each of them worked at Bam for awhile, because I wanted to make sure that they understood.
And by the way, not a fake job, a real job, so that, you know, they were actually doing things and also making sure that they knew that they were going to be part of a team. They weren’t the parents’ kids, they were part of a team. And that team was all the other people that worked at Bam also. So, it was an important experience for them as kids to realize that just because your dad and mom ran the place didn’t mean that you got to run the place also, no you had to actually do the job,
Jonathan V.:
So you would sit them down and have that talk before day one on the job?
Dennis Erokan:
Absolutely. We would sit down and have the talk with them. And also I made sure that I had that talk before the very first kid worked at bam with my staff to let them know, you know, when, Laney, you know, was the first one that comes and works here, she is going to be working here. She is not, you know, the daughter of the King. She works here and she has to achieve, and you can help her. And that’s wonderful. Just like you help anybody at Bam.
Jonathan V.:
When did D’Arcy first start to show an interest in acting?
Dennis Erokan:
Well, D’Arcy started to show an interest in acting when she was a little kid, we took her to see the Fantasy Forum at the Leisure Center in Walnut Creek. And she was looking on that stage and just mesmerized and just letting it sink in. And initially she thought, and she’s talked about this, you know, subsequently that those people were the real people that was, you know, the, but then she realized after a few times that no, cause we would, after the show was over, we would introduce her, you know, once she was old enough, three or four years old to the actors. So she realized, Oh, these are actors. This is what they do. And that got her thinking about it. Now, the interesting thing, and I want to say this right off, the bat of this is being on stage is a really interesting experience. And one of the things that I wanted to do, because, you know, I saw from working in, cause we worked, you know, we had an office in Los Angeles and one in Northern California for Bam, and in LA, I would see some of those kids who were, who were little, you know, young kids working on TV shows or movies and how rough it was for them to grow.
It was really, really rough. Some of them just had horrible experiences, even though they were on a hit TV show. They, it took them decades if forever to get back out of it. But the thing that I found interesting was what happens to people who are young, but on stage. And what I did was I went to a CEO group, there was about 200 CEOs and I asked them, how many of you are here? Because in high school you did speech and debate? And of the 200 seat CEOs, about 15 of them raised their hand. And I said, okay, of all of you here, how many of you became CEOs because in high school you were on a sports team? And maybe 15 or 20 of them raised their hand. And then I said, how many of you are here because in your high school years, you performed on stage? And about 70% of them raise their hands. It was amazing. And that’s the thing that I realized because I had a feeling about that. Cause I had done it too. I mean, when I was a kid, I was on stage also. And I realized that it’s an important experience for a CEO to talk to an audience because that’s what they do for a living. So when D’Arcy was starting to, you know, want to act, I was saying, Oh, goodie, you know, she’s going to become a CEO, little did I know that that’s not what was important to her. She really wanted to act
Jonathan V.:
Oh, that’s a great story. That’s so interesting too, about the CEOs. Wow. Really speaks to the value of that experience regardless of whether or not you want to pursue it as a career. So you saw that is, is potentially not the beginning of an acting career, but potentially leading to a career in the corporate world. Is this something that you encouraged because of that? And how did that progress?
Dennis Erokan:
Well, the interesting thing was I did encourage D’Arcy. And so whenever she got into a, you know, a group where there was a high school group or whatever, she would end up becoming the leader of the group, meaning they would vote for her to be the captain of the team. I was thinking, Oh, goody, you know, she’s learning that she can, you know, she will be a CEO one of these days. But the fact of the matter was she was just taking all these experiences and internalizing them and understanding them and living them. But what she really always wanted to do was get on stage and act. And after a while I realized, okay, that’s what she wants to do then, you know, it’s tough. But, and by the way, I made sure that she didn’t do anything professional in acting while she was a kid. Because as I told you, I saw so many of those kids get destroyed and I didn’t want that to happen. So I made sure that she was, you know, in her very early twenties when she was actually, you know, doing acting where she got paid for it.
Jonathan V.:
And is that something that she wanted to do when you were kind of tugging the reins on it? Or were you just shielding her from those types of opportunities?
Dennis Erokan:
Well, it’s definitely shielding her from those types of opportunities because you know, I had, because of what I did for a living, I had friends who would say, Oh, you know, I saw your daughter. And you know, at the show, meaning, you know, backstage because my kids and I would be backstage, you know, it’s a huge music event. And I can see how she was interacting with some of the stars and how good she was. And I just think, you know, I’d love to give her an opportunity to get over to Universal Studios. And I’ve got a TV show in mind that she’d be great in. And I’d say, no, thank you, not now.
Jonathan V.:
When was it that you started to notice that she was really looking to do this as a career?
Dennis Erokan:
Well, in her teenage years, she started talking about it and, and, you know, I was trying to be the good dad and tell her, well, you know, you’re going to be a great CEO. One of these days, look at it, you know, you’re running, you’re running this and you’re running that. So we both agreed that she wasn’t going to do it until she graduated from high school, at least if not in college. And the wonderful thing is, you know, her professors or teachers, or whatever thought the world of her and you know, kept track of her over the decades. So that was wonderful.
Jonathan V.:
You mentioned earlier how she was elected to leadership positions in all of these, you know, wide variety of different groups. Do you believe that her stage experience led to that? Were there other characteristics that D’Arcy had?
Dennis Erokan:
Yes. Yes. I believe because leaders need to be really good communicators, and they’re not the kind of communicators that talk to one person. They’re the kind of communicators that talk to lots of people at the same time. And D’Arcy was learning how to do that by being an actor by learning on stage in high school and in college, etcetera, over and over again, whatever group she was in would take her to the top of the group. And she’d be the one leading the group. And it was very comfortable for her. And it was very comfortable for the people that were part of it, the kids or whatever, who were part of it because they trusted her and they felt comfortable with her. And that is part of what an actor learns by being on stage and how to communicate in a way where the people in the audience sit back and relax and enjoy themselves.
Jonathan V.:
And did you have to flex your approach as a father to parenting your different kids? And my understanding is there’s a decent age range between all of them. I would imagine with four kids, you probably had some personality differences, and career aspiration differences as well. Did you have a similar approach to parenting all of them?
Dennis Erokan:
Yes. All four of them. And the idea was to be there for them and to make sure that they knew that I was there for them and, and that my wife and I were there for them, but at the same time, encouraging them to grow in the direction they wanted to grow. You know, our, our eldest daughter is a communications executive and has been for years. And she knows how to do that. She learned how to do that at Bam originally, and has taken that ever since D’Arcy, you know, about our son will, is a animation editor and has worked on some of the top movies, top animated films, because he’s very comfortable working with a computer. And our youngest daughter works with kids and just you know, has, has very great personality that people like to be with. And so each of them got to grow in their own direction and we didn’t force anything on any of them.
Jonathan V.:
How about perseverance? That strikes me as another characteristic, one of the many things that has led to D’Arcy’s success I think a lot of people may not have gone the distance that she did in pursuing a career in acting. It was from what I understand a long road with upright Citizens Brigade. And she was certainly a working actress, but stuck with quite a while before she got this big break on the Good Place and Barry and now upcoming League of their Own, is that a character trait that you tried to instill or cultivate in your kids?
Dennis Erokan:
You know what, I love to take credit for that, but I can’t, you know, I’m the person who goes after what’s obvious, you know, what’s there. And D’Arcy was willing to just continue doing auditions and trying time after time and you know, having a little success and then not much, and taking lots of classes, lots of classes, the Upright Citizens, Brigade, etcetera, but she was willing to wait. And, you know, one of the most amazing things was that she told me you know, dad, I’m, I’ve been trying so long to succeed at an audition. And I, you know, and by the way, this is, what everybody who’s an actor lives through, but this is how she described it. She said, I’ve been trying to, you know, do audition after audition. And I realized that it’s just not happening, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not going to, that doesn’t mean that I’m going to stop doing auditions. I’m just thinking now that’s what I do is auditions within a week after she told me that she got two yeses within a few days of each other, The Good Place. And then Barry were within a few days of each other. It was incredible.
Jonathan V.:
What do you think about that Mindset shift may have led to that result?
Dennis Erokan:
That she was relaxed, that she didn’t go to an audition scared and obviously nervous that she would just go and audition and then know that, you know, she was going home afterwards.
Jonathan V.:
Yeah. How has your approach to parenting changed now that your kids are adults as they moved out of the house into college, and then beyond that, how do you parent differently?
Dennis Erokan:
Well, when you, when your kids were adults, you parent a lot less and that’s wonderful. So now I’m their friend. I, you know, want to hear about them. If there’s anything I can do to help, I will. But the fact of the matter is they’re grownups, they’re making it happen. So I get to help the grandkids, which is really kind of fun. I was doing that today with two of our grandkids who live nearby us. And it’s just a delight. And at the same time, those still there for our kids, when they need a little bit of advice or they need, they need to talk through something, I don’t have to be the one that gives the answer. I can just be the one that listens. And sometimes the listening is one of the most important things you can do.
Jonathan V.:
Yeah. That’s great advice. So I have just a few closing questions. What are three words that you think your kids or your wife might use to describe your parenting style?
Dennis Erokan:
Three words that describe my parenting style are helpful, positive, and lead by example, which isn’t a word, but you know, it’s a phrase.
Jonathan V.:
Yeah. Yeah. And you’d mentioned that before, and it certainly seems consistent with how you’ve described, you know, your life and your parenting style. Is there anything in particular about leading by example that stands out?
Dennis Erokan:
There’s nothing that stands out. It’s just that what you’re doing is you’re showing them what’s possible and you’re not telling them what’s possible. You’re showing them what’s possible. And that is such a wonderful way to learn. I let them know that I’m the dad, I’m not their friend. I’m there to help them, but I’m the dad. But the show by example, this is what I did, or this is what I’m doing now. And you can do something like this yourself and it’s not. And by that, I don’t mean, you know, starting a magazine. I just mean feeling comfortable about doing something that feels comfortable to you and that challenges you and helps you grow.
Jonathan V.:
Yeah. That’s nice. With the benefit of hindsight, what might’ve you had done differently as a father?
Dennis Erokan:
You’re not going to believe this. I wouldn’t have done anything differently as a father. I love my kids and I loved the life we had. And I loved every moment of being with them and introducing them to Huey Lewis and the News. So whatever it was, it was just a delight.
Jonathan V.:
Oh, it sounds it. Is there anything that you found helpful books, resources, habits that helped you to be a better person, and then through that helped you to be a better father?
Dennis Erokan:
This is the one that was most important to me. You Just Don’t Understand by Deborah Tannen. It gave me so many good just ideas. And of course the other one that was important to me was a book called Generations, which just talks about the various generations and how they over the centuries or over the two centuries in the United States, how they were and how they repeat. And that again, gave me some good ideas.
Jonathan V.:
I like that. That’s great. I’ll definitely have to check those out. Anything else that we didn’t cover that you would like to add, Dennis?
Dennis Erokan:
No, this has been great. And no, I can’t think of anything else, Laurie is there anything else I should add? No. And by the way, I couldn’t have done it without Laurie. So that’s what I want to add. Being a dad is wonderful, but having a wonderful wife who’s, their mother is also so wonderful. And I know everybody can’t have that, but I lucked out and I did. And I do.
Jonathan V.:
Yeah. Yeah. That’s, I fully agree. I definitely could not have done it without my wife either. Dennis, thank you so much for your time. This has really been a pleasure. I’ve really enjoyed talking with you!
Dennis Erokan:
Great. I enjoyed it too. Thank you!